


Sam and Dean’s Helpful Guide to the Kinky Sex

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [67]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: BDSM, Crack, Crossdressing, Drabble, Humor, M/M, Object Insertion, Sex Education, Spoilers, Teacher/Student Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 02:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sam discusses herpes, Crowley discusses Sam, Dean does not twerk it and Cas just wanted a little kinky roleplay, damn it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sam and Dean’s Helpful Guide to the Kinky Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Minor Spoilers to “I’m No Angel,” as this is a reaction fic.

**Dean:**  …and so, though it is important that one feel one is not in danger of physical violence during sex—

 **Crowley:**  Non-consensually…

 **Dean:**  Shut up. This is a serious discussion.

 **Crowley:** Consent is a serious issue.

 **Sam:**  True, but…Why are you even here?

 **Crowley:**  You think I’d miss you in those heels?

 **Sam:**  Whatever. It’s important for the ‘Dominance, Submission, and You’ seminar that’s up next. Right now we’re doing basic safety. So shut up.

 **Dean:** Yes. Anyway, where was I?

 **Cas:**  In danger of physical violence?

 **Dean:**  Right. Though you should make sure to avoid that, there are also other, less visible things you need to be careful of. Perhaps it’s time for some testimonials. About things like herpes. And the clap. Both of which Sammy here has first hand experience with. Sammy?

 **Sam:** Bite me.

 **Dean:**  I would, but I don’t wanna catch anything.

*Cas raises his hand*

 **Dean:**  We will have a question and answer session at the end, Cas. Now it’s time for Sam to tell us about herpes.

*Cas puts his hand down*

 **Sam:**  *sigh* Herpes is very unpleasant. Also, not curable. Unless Gabriel is just being a dick. Which, let’s face it, he’s given us all herpes at least twice.

 **Crowley:**  Good times.

 **Sam:**  But really. STDs are not fun. Also, they can be deadly. Use protection.

 **Crowley:**  Oh my God. This is boring. Can we get into the Sam-in-leather bits? I like those bits.

*Agreeing with Crowley, we will skip ahead to…*

 **Dean:**  …and in conclusion, though you are probably still a huge size queen, there is a limit to what the human body can physically withstand. And that limit is smaller than what you’re used to. So that combination of a hairdryer and…

*There are limits to my porn writing. Cas’s exploits before he lost his grace exceed those limits. Frankly, that’s why he needs this talk, the kinky bastard. So, skipping ahead again…*

 **Sam:** It’s important to remember that while a bit of knife play can be fun, humans can die if stabbed through the chest too many times.

 **Dean:**  So know your limits before hand. Discuss what you want to get out of a scene—

 **Crowley:**  And if your partner is uncomfortable with maiming and/or death—

 **Sam:**  Which they probably will be—

 **Crowley:**  You’ve just never been to the good parties.

*Sam and Crowley fight*

 **Dean:**  ANYWAY.

 **Cas:**  Can we skip the—?

 **Sam, Dean, and Crowley:** NO!

 **Dean:** This is all really important stuff for you to know, Cas.

*Sam and Crowley continue fighting. Dean is forced to improvise to fill the time…*

 **Dean:**  *singing* SAFE SEX! WOO-HOO!  
IT’S THE THING TO DO!  
CAUSE IT’S SAFE, AND THAT’S GOOD!  
AMD IT’S SEX AND THAT’S GOOD TOO…

 **Crowley:**  *yelling from where he’s lying pinned by Sam’s stilletto* NOW TWERK IT!

*Dean does not twerk it. But it does take him a while to stop singing. So we’ll move on*

 **Dean:** … Also, you may not want to have sex with Sam. You’re mortal now, and people who sleep with Sam tend to…

 **Cas:**  I’ve seen the graphs.

 **Dean:**  But have you seen the pie chart?

*After some very confusing pie chart examinations, made far more confusing by the fact that Dean keeps chewing on the exhibits…*

 **Sam:**  …There isn’t gonna be a demonstration for this bit, cause we were gonna get Gabe to do the unsafe parts, and he’s not coming back till Tuesday. But let’s just say that not all candy can go in your…

*That’s quite enough of that. Skipping to the end…*

 **Dean:**  So, we should do a quick review to sum up what we’ve learned so far today. But first, are there any questions? Yes? Cas?

 **Cas:** Yeah. Actually, Kevin went over all this with me while you guys were picking out your outfits. Which took forever, by the way.

 **Sam:**  Yeah, but I look awesome.

 **Cas:** True. So can we get back to kinky roleplay now? ‘Cause this is really not what I meant when I said I wanted to do a teacher/student thing.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
